The almighty snow day. This great interference in the march of the school year. A break from reality and the stresses we faced. I wasn’t good at doing my homework or caring about long range projects as a student – from the earliest grades and even up until grad school. But the snow day broke that cycle. Nothing could be collected. Nothing could be assigned. I don’t know how it is for kids in the 21 st century classroom, but teachers did not take advantage of the so-called wasted time. I remember stomping down the steps of whichever suburban Philly rowhome I was living in at the time. Just enough steps to see out the window of the front door. 4 or 5 steps. I was loud, always accused of being an elephant coming down the steps. But I still thought I was doing something secretive. And the outside world ...
Sweet Prince, I’m up tonight wondering where you are, How we got here, And what’s to come. I’m suffocating under the heavy silent blanket of darkness and absence - A condition worse than death Because of the dangled hope In which I have no faith. Are you well? Are you fed? What fills up your hours in your distant turret? The questions approach the infinite. My repentance was never enough My love was never believed, And in my shadowy eclipsed thoughts, I fear that I was the fool to think that your love ever was. And yet. And yet. Come back, call me forth, Drop a crumb for this manged and matted mutt. Anything, something. Send me to hell, call me to your princely court, Acknowledge that I exist And I shall be martyred in profound joy. But now I beg for the end of this clouded exile.
I have had two fathers and I have been cast off by both of them. From my perch, it seems as if both of them were easily able to cast me aside - one because of his own mental deficiencies, and the other because I manifested my failures in front of him. Both had professed undying love and paternity. One was biological and God-given. The other was spiritual and also God-given. My father, my Dad, has not lived in the same home with me since I was a teen. He was ejected from the family home in a horrifying evening of abuse and recompense. It was a few months after that when we began to heal the relationship. Over the next twenty years, there were periods of drought and periods of festal joy in our relationship. When the judgment for his state mandated quarantine was passed, I became his loving correspondent. When life’s happenstance returned us to within a driving distance, we visited each other more often. By that time, I was a daddy too....
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